This analysis was first featured on KINKology: the psychology of kink podcast in the episode entitled “Vulnerability is Your Superpower“. Below you will find my analysis as a Femdom Mistress, and after my written analysis, you will find the audio of me reading my slave boy 2326’s essay on vulnerability.

Why are We Discussing Vulnerability on Femdom Podcast, Ms Becky?

If you have followed me for any length of time, you’ll know that I tend to spout off about my patriarchy smashing dream and this desire to empower women to rise up, take back our planet, our power and our leadership role from people who have demonstrated that they aren’t fit for it. I operate under a lot of little analogies and symbols in my own metaverse in my mind. One of those symbols is the concept of a mirrored reality- that we invert a lot of concepts here in the world, twist them, make them different than they really are. The largest of them has been how we conceptualize power, what we label as powerful being a direct inversion of what power actually is. The strongman version of bullying, dominating (the not fun kind, I might add), and oppressing has traditionally been labeled as being “powerful” right? And qualities like diplomacy, being a good communicator, consideration and empathy are thought of as the weak, beta males or worse… a woman! So I am really invested into righting this mirrored version of reality so we can see a little clearer, and you know, smash the patriarchy, grab it by the balls, and bring to its knees.

But that’s not the only reason I want to discuss this with you- though this next one is a bit of a parlay off of the mirrored reality concept too. Know how I always say that patriarchy is as cruel to men as it is to women? Well, here is the number one harm that it caused men, in my humble opinion. By casting masculine strength and courage as bullying and domination, fear and intimidation tactics, and outright violence they have essentially rebranded true courage into what looks more like psychopathy than anything else. So the men who possess the courage to be authentic, even if their authentic state is being submissive, are branded as weak beta cucks (in a truly disparaging way, rather than with the loving affection I call out MY weak beta cucks with) and the weak ass pussy boys who have to front or pretend or bully or threaten people into following them are they “brave” ones, right? Like, its utter hogwash, isn’t it? So having a background in psychology, I really do want to reinforce authenticity as courage and those who dress up and play a role because they think that it will make people respect them- I brand THEM the cowards, ok?

And finally, the last distinct reason is because it is so massively important in any BDSM dynamic- its pretty much the most important ingredient for a submissive to have, right?

Vulnerability Defined

Brene Brown defines vulnerability as ““The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage. When the barrier is our belief about vulnerability, the question becomes: ‘Are we willing to show up and be seen when we can’t control the outcome?’ When the barrier to vulnerability is about safety, the question becomes: ‘Are we willing to create courageous spaces so we can be fully seen?”

And take note on what she is saying here- the ability to be authentic in times with uncertain outcomes being labeled as strength makes a lot fuck of a lot more sense than hiding behind this false image that is not authentic because you are scared that you may be rejected as strength, doesn’t it? The notion that hiding your true self away and presenting a false image, a fake mask of yourself, being labeled as courage is absolutely infuriating to me. But that is truly the place where we are in society… although its shifting and shifting fast. I like to use my voice and my big, brilliant brain to amplify this shift, which is one of the reasons I am covering this today.

The Costs of Invulnerability

The Oxford dictionary has a bit of an ominous definition of “susceptible to physical and emotional attack“. But I really want you guys to consider what the cost of making yourself insusceptible to emotional risk? What kind of things would you have to do to make sure no one ever has the ability to hurt you. Michael Singer wrote a book called “Untethered Soul”- fantastic book and HIGHLY recommend it- and he described what a life of living in order to protect yourself from pain looked like with his own little analogy. He discusses this desire to never feel pain as a wound that we have that we want to ensure never touches anything, because when it does, it hurts. So, we begin ensuring that our wounded arm never touches anything, but the wound continues to fester, right. Now it hurts just handing by our side, so we try to keep it elevated. It swells up and bumps into things, so we try to find new remedies. Our lives become devoted to ensuring no one and nothing ever touches our wound, devoting more time and more energy and more resources. Our lives become about protecting that wound instead living a thriving, fulfilled and fearless life. THAT is the cost of devoting yourself to comfort and avoidance of pain. Everything. You have to give up pretty much everything to protect yourself against emotional pain, because living a true life- a whole, authentic, human life- IS painful. That pain is one of the prices we pay for happiness.

Vulnerability and Uncertainty

So, let’s look at uncertainty- someone trying to protect themselves against uncertainty. What does that look like and how would we qualify the behaviors of someone who was trying to do that as a way of living their life. You would need predictability, you would be super cautious, limiting exposure to the unknown… which is where ALL growth happens, as a human being. Thats where human progress lives, right? This individual would have to meticulously plan out every excursion, every event, would have to essentially to view any measure of uncertainty as a potential threat. Where is the courage in that? The strength? The picture I am seeing is of someone like Adrian Monk, the OCD detective (I loved monk sooo much, you guys!). And I did think Monk was brave and courageous- but it was in his vulnerability, in him exposing himself to uncertainty that he was brave, not when he refused to do so. When you look at what a deficit in being able to withstand uncertainty, it presents like anxiety, right? And although I struggle with my own anxiety and discomfort with uncertainty, I view myself as brave when I am confronting and overcoming those anxieties, not when I succumb to them, per se? And please don’t think I am knocking people with anxiety- I think they are some of the bravest, most courageous humans out there. Most of y’all will never know the level of courage needed to overcome that type of anxiety and aversion to uncertainty. But it is in our ability to make ourselves vulnerable to uncertainty that we express our courage, yes?

Vulnerability and Risk

Trying to manage and mitigate every risk is a fool’s errand, friends. And most importantly, it is no way to live a thriving life either. Brave people don’t seek to wrap themselves up in a soft cocoon of comfort, but if they are brave AND smart, neither do they run towards unnecessary danger or harm, right? But here is where the costs of being a social creature come into play- every relationship is risk; intimacy is a risk. Being around people who can say things or do things that make us feel bad is a fucking risk. In order to avoid it, you need isolation, detachment and dissociation… and the real kick in the ass is that the risks involved in isolation, detachment and dissociation are just as costly, if not more.

Emotional Exposure and Vulnerability

And finally, emotional exposure is a facet of vulnerability, which is defined as the way in which you share of yourself with others. So, listen, there are a lot of guys who fucking LOVE sending dic pics to women, right? That level of exposure is exciting to them, even though the guys who love to do that are NEVER the guys whose cocks you actually want to see, right ladies? I know my girls can back me up here. But the point is that they are not really making themselves emotionally vulnerable when they do, because they fucking love it, it makes them feel good, not scared. Now there are many men who would find that very emotionally vulnerable, to show themselves in that way to a woman. What makes it emotional exposure is that it is an action that is a true emotional risk. I know many, many guys who will not let me see their cute little faces until we have established some measure of trust, because it is an emotional risk for them, they are emotionally exposed, and I can hurt them in those precious moments.

Final Thoughts on Vulnerability

I want to capture the essence of how the vulnerability of my submissives, those who serve under me (sometimes very, very literally) impacts me personally. First, let me tell you I have grappled with my own journey regarding vulnerability. I have all the bluster and arrogance, striving for perfectionism, and MASKING. I’m a late dx autist, after all- I built my life around projecting a certain image of myself, trying to make them perceive me in a way I was comfortable with rather than simply being the way that I am. And it came with fucking costs, friends- remember when I said the irony of trying to keep ourselves safe often put us in danger? This is a perfect example of that. The stress, anxiety, fear of exposure, the nervous system activation, the isolation, impact on relationships, the hiding of myself- it damned near was too much to bear. So… I stopped bearing it, to the greatest degree possible. I act as authentically as possible, but not in a fucking psychotic way, guys. Part of the fun is in the establishing of a relationship, the earning of trust, right? Being a puddle of emotions and vulnerability without being able to establish who is worthy of your vulnerability is simply not a wise thing to do, right?

I personally believe that I have a lot of personal power- I am a loud, mouthy bitch, friends. I am a dominant woman who takes charge without apology. I am no wallflower and have little problems with protecting myself. But I truly believe that I am never more powerful than when I am vulnerable- when I let the mask slip, and show people who I am, I radiate with grace, power and truth. And nothing comes close to that. My ability to truly touch people’s hearts, to show them who I am, to allow myself to connect to them in my humanity, my strengths and my weaknesses, that’s when I am most powerful.

And that’s what my submissives are to me. We live in a world obsessed with hiding and one that viciously seeks to instill shame into our sexuality, our desires, our fantasies- yet, here you are, standing in your truth, letting the mask fall, and presenting me with all the power I need to hurt or help- to know and be know- and to see and be seen. And through you being your true and authentic self, I too can be my authentic and true self, can’t I? So sweet boy, yes, your vulnerability is a truly brave and giving act- and it’s the only way to create a life worth living.

A Slave’s Perspective on Vulnerability Click to Listen

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